Still dealing with depression. Started school. One class seems terrible so far (it’s an intro class, so that’s rather what I expect) and another seems… interesting (theory class). Haven’t been to the addictions counseling class yet, that’s tomorrow (the prof had a ACA meeting that evening so no wed night class last week). At least one of my texts is tolerable, and I am hoping to be able to balance the thus-far INSANE amount of writing I’ll have to do. If I pursue a doctorate, it will NOT be at this school. That’s pretty much been decided.

Magnum… I’m concerned. He pulled out his feeding tube at the end of December. I can’t afford to have a new one put in so we’re on our own as far as getting him to eat and take meds. He’s pretty good about the eating part lately. Over the past several months he’d randomly refuse to eat certain brands or types of food all of a sudden (starting with the Rx food), and we’d be scrambling to find him a new kind of wet-food that he’d want. The worst part is he’d cry and cry for wet food, and then refuse the only kind we had. Then we’d have to tube him, and he’d give us these looks like we were betraying him in the worst way. Now we have no tube option, but he’s been pretty good with eating Friskies Prime Filet cans for about 2 weeks now. Let’s hope that continues. But between his food and the meds it’s putting us in the poorhouse.  I’ve already sold a ring I got for my birthday three years ago. We don’t mind, but we don’t have a lot to sell. His meds are around 200 per month now (1 was switched; the steroid). It’s totally worth it to have my kitty curling with us on the sofa or in bed, and meowing at the window when I come home from work or school. I dread the day I wake up or return home and it’s silent. Tyler has started drawing up plans to make him a special kitty coffin. I can’t bear the idea of cremating him.

Work is crazy. Kelly left to start nursing school, so I am helping cover central brevard as well as north brevard. Extra work, always always. My supervisor and I are still, as always, at ends. But I’ve been getting some crapppy interaction with the other Sup, so I’m okay where I am. Unfortunately our offices will be moving to HGR (the residential facility where I used to work) so that’ll tack on another 20 minutes to my school commute, and the drive to my field (which is already ridiculous). I know it’ll save the company money on rent, but seriously… I just see it as one of many steps backwards we’re having to take due to the economy.

Tyler’s okay. Looking for another job because money rules everything. He started taking some classes too in an effort to get an edge on the competition. I’m pretty proud of him for that. He’s been considering doing some furniture making on the side, which would be excellent if there’s a market for it. He has done some amazing work (including my christmas present of course). He can’t afford the Rx for his head-meds because he doesn’t get insurance at his job so that’s a downer. Already seeing the side effects of that one. But he’s trying, and that’s all anyone could or should ask of a man. He is, in fact, trying very hard.

Tired of updating. Maybe more later.

Crap. I know I’m dumb for caring, but a drop from 4.0 to 3.83 seems SO FAR. *sad* I’ll have to try harder next semester.

I hate it hate it hate it. The exist and don’t give a crap whether or not I am dead or alive. People get phone calls all day long from their mothers, sisters, fathers, aunts… I have not received a single phone call today.

Holiday commercials totally screw me up. I turned on the television because I was lonely and the silence was getting to me. The commercials for the holidays have me crying on the sofa instead of studying.

Get it together, Sharon. I have to be tougher than this.

Friday morning we packed and headed to the west coast for Dave and Becka’s wedding. We got horrible directions and got lost once we were in the general area, and I had to call Dave W. to get directions. Magnum was so miserable on the car ride, but what could I do? I felt horrible. I dropped Tyler off for the rehearsal stuff and went to hang out with Dave W. We did fine for a while, and then argued like we always do, because he’s wasting his life and has forgotten what standards and scruples are. We’re fine, though. This is why we only see eachother twice a year or so.

Saturday we go up early to help set up the reception area (which is 45 minutes away from the church…. WHY???) then went to a boardwalk area by the motel and walked around briefly and Tyler treated me to some boardwalk pizza. Then he was off to the church to dress and do the groomsman thing while I got ready and talked to Jes on the phone for a bit. Wedding was nice, but cold inside the church. Reception was fun; Tyler and I danced like total fools and really enjoyed it.

Today we drove the long drive back to the east coast and then started doing some Christmas stuff I got a tree for being such a good sport the past week! I haven’t had a real tree since I was a teen, and he picked out this HUGE amazing tree that smells awesome. It looks like a postcard, it’s so perfect. I almost don’t want to decorate it. Makes me want to have a holiday board-game potluck party. We shall see.

This week is going to be nuts. Some one final, two papers, LOTS of work. But Tyler’s mom got us tickets to see the Nutcracker for free on Saturday, so I am tickled pink. And the dancers are staying with his parents til they return to Russia. I can’t wait to hang out with them and be around familiar eastern european accents and traditions for a night.

I feel lonesome. It was hard to be at a wedding, I admit it. There’s not been a lot of YAY wedding stuff lately. They all seem to have these hard emotions attached to them. I want to be engaged and happy and making my own plans, but that seems incredibly far away. I want to move away and have children of my own and be far from this current place in my life. Oh well. If wishes were horses. Two years ago I never wanted to be married; these things change. Two years from now who knows what I’ll write?

Why do I still get hurt? Honestly?

I can’t even handle the thought of not having Magnum. How much must one person lose before they are allowed something to keep?

+ Out of the wrist guard for today, at least.

+ Really, really great conversation with a prostitute today. I loved her and her little boy and her broken heart and desire to remain off the crack-rock (90 days clean so far). I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of the herpes all over her face when she hugged me goodbye. I have a lot to learn. (But I also just finished making an amazing brochure about herpes, so it’s on the brain.)

+ Work is allowing me to go to a training at my school for counseling victims of sexual violence tomorrow. I have to pay for it, but I might get reimbursed and my two beloved coworkers are coming with me. Cha-ching!

+ Busy weekend ahead. Drop my car off at the shop tomorrow after the training for what might end up being a free replacement of the axel and some rotors. Or something. Those words were mentioned. Noel’s engagement party tomorrow night. Then Saturday bowling, homework, and then out with Shawn (hopefully). Sunday golfing (well, I am clearly not golfing but I am accompanying goflers) early early early, then church if we’re done in time, then welcoming the Tyler home from St. Aug and finishing up homework. He might get me a christmas tree!

? I’ve been accepted into church leadership. I lead the young adults now. WEIRD? I feel like once these people learn my secrets they’ll kick me out. We’ll see.

? I spoke in church yesterday. Pastor Deming requested I share testimony in relation to the 6-year anniversary, when they started a church they were doing it for people that they’d yet to meet, and I am apparently a prize example. I did well at first service, not so well at second service. Oh well.

+ Good weekend. Busy, but accomplished a lot as a friend, an employee and a member of the church. There are pictures, but apparently I stink at sharing them.

+ Tyler has been awesome. Really positive, affectionate, enthusiastic and tolerant beyond all realm of normalcy. I am twitterpated by this.

- My clothes dryer broke yesterday. *sigh* I strung up some twine to at least get the sheets dry. Outside allergen alert.

- There is mold somewhere in my home that is making me ill. We can’t find it, but we can sometimes smell it. The attic and other suspicious areas have been cleared. The walls, perhaps? Tyler thinks it might be somewhere under the house from when the pipes burst.

-  In a wrist brace. I hate trying to work with a wrist brace.

http://www.floridatoday.com/article/20081104/NEWS0305/81104055/1166

All this busy-busy-busy-ness means that all day Sunday will be spent locked in my office finishing papers, projects and studying for tests on Tuesday and Thursday.

In other news, I need a new puzzle to do. We can officially master a 1000 piece puzzle (if all the shapes are different, not the same) within a reasonable time period. Hoorah! I want to find someone to do puzzle-exchanges with. It’s a shame to keep buying them from thrift stores and then donating them back. Weird?

He started meds today.

I’ve been waiting for over a year for this to happen. But I don’t know where things will go from here. I don’t know what to expect.

I’m scared.

He initially scheduled appts for once every other week because of the cost. The counselor halved the cost and requested to see him once a week. He made it clear from the first visit that he knew that there were things that had to be dealt with. And the second he got the results from the MMPI2 he suggested meds. I don’t disagree with this treatment plan; it was what I expected. But it’s weird to have someone else out there looking at what I see every day, agreeing with me, and having Tyler listen and obey.

The first day Tyler saw him, I walked on eggshells thinking that perhaps this gentleman would meet Tyler and say, “There’s not an issue here” and then Tyler’d look at me and hate me for saying that there were issues; skadzillions of issues. He’d say that I was the problem, and he’d never get any better and lead a miserable life (one that included kikcing me out of it). I ache for him to be happy.

What if he goes through with this therapy and comes out on the other side and STILL decides he doesn’t want to be with me? Over the last several months there have been so many more ups than downs. So many. The last few major issues were solved within hours. There was communication. There was an effort made. But I know, still know, that most of this is commitment. He still doesn’t love me. And in the infamous words of Bonnie Raitt, I can’t make him love me if he “don’t”.

I know that I have buried myself in a relationship where I am very real, very myself, and very vulnerable. I know that he reminds me of my father in a thousand ways, and in that sense I am surely working to save the life of this man, and perhaps seeking to relieve some of the guilt I feel over not being able to save my father. I am learning more and more about my family, and disentangling myself. There are things I cannot repair. The truth hurts, and learning the truth about my family and myself sucks. School is very dangerous for me in that sense. Learning treatment techniques that someone probably should have used on me 15 years ago is creepy. But I’m not going to die, or disappear, and nothing is going to fix itself, so I will live.

I won’t stay in Melbourne anymore just because it’s where my family is. I won’t base my life on the hope that they might someday choose to give a crap. I am trying to have less expectation and allowing myself to ask for help. Allowing myself to hope. But I have to state that I really don’t recognize where I stand right now. I’ve been desperately seeking a way to get out of this state, at least for a few days, and for the first time in my life there’s really nowhere for me to run. And that, too, is okay. It forces my hand to act upon what is HERE.

But if by some unexpected grace Tyler gets “better” (learns coping skills, disentangles HIMself, and no longer lives in a state of anxious depression) and decides that he loves me, I want to move. At least out of this city, and soon therafter out of the state. The further I am from these failed attempts at family and love and hope, the clearer the path to having those things now. School and selling this house are my only barriers. I’m working on the house repairs as often as possible (which is infrequent due to both time and money) and I can find another CACREP certified school and figure things out. Or finish school here and then move out of the state for internship. I don’t know.

I’m very babbly. There’s a lot in my heart. I want to hit the fast forward button on the next year or two, honestly. I have very little to look forward to, and much to be anxious about.

Must go to bed. Church tomorrow, than ritual torture at Tyler’s parents house. His sister and her (perfect! accepted! loved! wanted!) fiance are in town, and tension is SO HIGH between she and I (and she and Tyler it seems). I hate that they hate me. I hate that they take so much advantage of his disorder and have always accepted it as his “nature”. NO ONE IS BROKEN AND DEFEATED BY NATURE! Geez.

I just wanted to type things out. I love him, you know? A very real, palpable, love that isn’t based on the past or the future. I believe in him. In his ability to be a strong, assured man that can lead us and be wise and kind and trust in himself. That’s something Leslie’s been mentioning; a desire for a man that can lead her and she can place that trust in him. Biblically, that’s the bottom line. I do trust that those skills are inside Tyler; he’s just never been able to exercise them. I try and bring it out in him all the time, and it does seem like he’s tentatively seeing that failure isn’t around every corner. I have so much faith in him… in his good heart and his talents and skills and desires. I hate that his family castrated him and wrapped him up in umbilical cords and taught him to feel guilty for everything and fear everything that they didn’t condone. And these are the people I fight to win over! What a life… I actually sigh as I type .